I can't watch..

I know, it's been a long time. Partly because Computer Village installed a bad hard drive in my computer, partly because I haven't been in the best of places lately. Much has happened since my last post. I don't even know where to start.

Things have gotten harder between Danny and me. We had those two amazing nights. Next thing I know, the weekend had arrived and I had heard that not only was he hanging out with Alexis again, but he had screwed another skank just a day after he and I made love.

Yes, I should probably just be completely done with him. But I have so much care for him, and I want to be friends, that I just decided to forget about our sexual relationship and focus on our friendship. Not many people understand why I will always be there for Danny. I will never lose faith that he will change and better his life for good.

I have seen him several times since then, and all has been platonic and civil actually. Of course Alexis doesn't like us talking, but there is nothing sexual between us.

There was one night where he and Andrea got into a verbal fight about how he screwed up again. This upset me because I told Andrea not to say anything because Danny and I were good. Everything was fine between us. I apologized to him and we got to talking. He told me how his dad is pretty much on his deathbed and that he might be moving back to Wisconsin to take over his brother's job while he returns to prison. This made me cry because I know that his leaving will be the best thing for me, but the worst thing for him. I told him that even though he and I cannot be together, I don't want him to sell himself or his life short. I still want him to have an amazing future like I think he should.

In my eyes, this was our closure. This was our goodbye. I told him that I still love him, and we kissed several times. Somehow Alexis found out and decided to come to my house looking for him.

Danny called me the next morning saying he wished he was laying in bed with me so I told him that he should be glad he wasn't with me last night since Alexis stopped by. He was shocked and pissed. He asked me to come hang out, and we went for breakfast. He asked me to stay with him and Chaz to watch a movie, but Chaz had to drop some friends off somewhere, so for awhile it was just me and Danny. He cuddled up to me, and started kissing me, and eventually started foreplay. I stopped him, and he apologized. I had had the courage to tell him that we could still have a sexual relationship if it weren't for the other girls he'd been comforting himself with since we broke up. This overly upset him, so much that he slammed the door on me.

I left, hoping he would cool off. Which he did the next night. He called and apologized for being an asshole. He asked me to call him back later, but he was busy when I did and when he called me, I was already in bed.

The next time I saw him was a night to remember.. for several people.

Downtown. Several people. Stupid drunk.

Drama. Drama. Drama.

I didn't let it affect my night though. I kept drinking. I kept dancing. I kept smiling.

The next day, I wake up to a phone call that will ruin my whole day. Chaz's phone registered on my caller ID. I thought it might be Danny. Nope. It was Chaz. Danny is in jail. He busted out some windows at Alexis' apartment and something of Jimmy's as well, and supposedly he tried choking Alexis.

And this stupid girl thinks I'm going to fight her for Danny? She thinks I want that kind of relationship, that kind of future? She can have him. She's one of the reasons he's getting into trouble, but in the end, it's always Danny's decision. He chose to go back to her. He chose to go to the bar and get wasted. He chose to vandalize her stuff. Danny is in jail because of Danny.

I should be so disgusted by him. Instead, I'm upset with him. Upset that he is throwing his life away. Even though he and I aren't together, he should still be working at securing a good future. Because he still has one good girl in his life. His daughter Natilea.

~Erin Lester

Let's keep it casual..

Danny and I have seen each other a few more times since I've been back and texted quite a bit, but nothing has been serious. The two times he has come over (and stayed) was merely sexual. I know that probably sounds bad. But I would rather be casually sexual with one man than with many. The second time I told him that I don't want anything serious with him. And I didn't say, "right now," or anything. I gave that statement no time limit. He understood.

I was worried that would make things more awkward. Or that it would piss him off to the point where we wouldn't talk for days. However, he texted me his recording of the second part of his song the next day. And to my surprise even more, the day after that he and Chaz were driving around. They saw me walking towards my house and stopped to talk and see the pups. He gave me a hug when they went to leave and brushed my hands. It was subtle, but it sent a surge of electricity through my body and made me miss his touch.

Several people were worried when they heard I was still talking and hanging out with him. Some don't believe that I can keep it friendly and not want anything more. However, I think I'm doing good and I think it's working for us. Tonight the Cactus hosts karaoke night so I'm assuming I will see him downtown tonight.

~Erin Lester

Let's try this part differently..

Danny and I haven't seen each other in a couple days. He tried calling me once while I was at work, and then I made the mistake (or was it?) of texting him when I got home drunk from the bars. He didn't text me back until the next afternoon wondering why I haven't answered his calls. We continued to text throughout the night. He told me that he misses me and I him so I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie today. We will see if he does. But if he doesn't get ahold of me, I'm not going to text him or make a big deal of it. I'm really going to try to keep it casual.

What's different is that last time I broke up with him, I wouldn't talk to him at all for the first couple months. This time, I'm going to try talking to him and hanging out with him but keeping it platonic. Not sure if that will make things easier or harder. I know he and I aren't ready to be in a relationship together, but I still want us to be friends because we do love each other.

I want to show people that things didn't end catastrophically this time. That he didn't do anything to hurt me; he just wasn't willing to completely commit to me. He still wanted some freedom. Many people are extremely happy that he and I aren't together, but I'm not. I love him and I miss him and I wish things would have worked out this time because of how much I love him. He's just not ready yet, and he doesn't have to be. He's only 23 years old. On the other hand, I'm ready. I'm 25 and I want to start a family soon. I can't wait forever for someone. But if when he's ready, I'm still single, I will think about things again. Thing is, this time I need to know for sure that he's ready. That he won't relapse again.

~Erin Lester

It's time to be free..

Dear you,

It's time to be free. It's time to be me.

I'm free from your laziness. Free from your immaturity. Free from my insecurities.

I've wasted too much time and tears on you. Now it's time for me to move on, completely. I hope my friends and family lock me up if I try to take you back again.

Three strikes and you're out. Next batter up! And hopefully, he can hit a home run instead of foul balls.

I know God wants a happy future and marriage for me. I know he wants happiness for me. And so do I. I deserve a guy that can treat me to a dinner other than Dairy Queen and Subway. I deserve a guy that will cook for me more than once every four months. I deserve a guy that can't keep away from me, that puts me first in his life instead of bros, smoking and drinking. I deserve a guy that wouldn't even think about cheating on me. That feels remorse when he hurts or upsets me. That doesn't disappoint me. I deserve a guy that has a great job and is dedicated to it.

I still believe you are a great guy, and I hope that you learn to live up to that potential. I have faith in you, and I still wish the best for you and your future. I'm just not part of it. I wanted to be, but you wanted to be free. And now you are. And so am I. So let me move on.

Love,
Me.

Does anything last forever?

All I want in life is to start a family, and there are people blessed with beautiful families who take that for granted and throw it all away by cheating. They don't know how lucky they are to have what they have. There are people in the world, people like me, that want exactly what they have, and it's like they don't care.

This brings me to question what the meaning of family even is anymore. Does anything last forever?

Want to know my theory? These people who want nothing more than to have affairs should be the ones stuck with the bad boys, or girls, so that the ones who actually still believe in marriage and family can get the good guys, or girls.

It's just not fair. These people have amazing life partners, and they betray them. Their spouses or significant others do not deserve that, unless of course they are the exact same way. In that case, I feel extremely terrible for the children.

Don't get me wrong, just because I am dying to start doesn't mean I'm going to rush into it with just anybody. Right now, Danny hasn't proved to me that he's mature enough to be in a committed marriage, and I would prefer not to have an absent father for my future children.

Things have gotten really rough between Danny and me. Although we have seen each other since I returned from California and have talked about things, I still don't know where either of us stands. Danny seems to want to stick together yet have much more freedom than before. I, on the other hand, don't know what I want anymore. Part of me, a big part, loves Danny to death. But the other part wants to be free from him. Free from his torture. Free from my tears.

I still believe that Danny is a great guy, and I have faith that one day he will man up and live up to his true potential. However, I also believe that God wants me to have a happy future. And lately, like I have said, I have been more miserable with Danny than happy.. not even content with our relationship. I don't want to be conceited and say that I deserve better, but I know I don't deserve to be unhappy in a dead-end relationship.

I thought this time would be different, and then I had to go to California. Don't get me wrong, I will never want to take that back. I just wish that things would have went differently while I was gone.

Danny hasn't been working at all since I left South Dakota. Instead, he has been sleeping, drinking and smoking. Not the future husband I want.

As for our future, even present future, I have no idea where our path leads. However, right now I'm leaning towards being single. The thing that worries me is that a month down the road, he will try to win me back and I will eventually take him back again.

That's one thing I hate about this town: there isn't much options for a future if you haven't found "the one" yet. So what do I do? Try to work things out with Danny? Break it off with Danny and hope that someone else will come along? Move?

I wish I could find the book God wrote about me so I knew my next step. I guess that's the beauty of life: You just never know what's going to happen next.

~Erin Lester

Ready for take off..

Andrea and I have been in California for five days now, and we are ready to get back home. We are surprisingly using the weekend to relax and get ready for our flight. We packed enough fun and touring during the week that we are fine with just hot tubbing and relaxing for now.

Danny has been texting more. I think he finally realized how upset I am and how ready I am to give up. Although we have been talking, I explained to him that I still don't know what I want when I get back home. Whether I want to work things out or move on. Right now, I want both.

My heart: I love him.
My mind: He needs to grow up a lot if he wants to stay with me.

When I get back, I am going to let him come over to see Bosten and me, but I'm not going to let him stay over. I just want to talk to him at this point, explain to him what I need in order for this relationship to continue. If he can't handle it, than we both will know that it's time for us to just call it quits and try to salvage as much friendship as we can.

He needs to figure out what he wants in life. Does he want to be single and have all the freedom in the world and no one to answer to? No responsibilities? Or does he want a meaningful relationship with a great woman that will treat him good.

Most people just want me to be done with him. Mainly because they only see the person he was, the person who sometimes reappears for a few days sporadically. Getting to know him, hanging out with him and living with him, I know the kind of guy he truly is. The guy he can be completely if he chooses to do so and if he has a good reason to do so. Not to be conceited and pardon my French, but I think I'm a damn good reason!

All in all, I'm very excited to get home. Mainly to get back to work and to see my little Bosten again. I miss him more than Danny surprisingly! It will definitely be nice to get back. And I'm nervous to see what ends up happening with Danny.

Wish me luck!

~Erin Lester

On a vacation..

Andrea and I left for our California vacation on Monday. We will be here for a whole week. She and I both need a vacation, and I'm so excited to go, but I'm worried how this will affect my relationship with Danny. This will be the longest we have been away from each other since we got back together in January.

It will either make or break us.

So far.. it's breaking us.

He texts me every now and then and has called me. However, it just seems like he doesn't care that I'm gone. I have been the one that ends up calling him so lately I have just not been contacting him at all. That's when all the texts started coming.

Now, more than before, it seems like he actually misses me. However, he told me today that he hasn't worked at all since I'm gone because he has been staying with a friend out in the country. That doesn't make the money issues better.

He promises things will be different when I get back. That makes it sound like he's on vacation right now too.. from me, from work. He has had no responsibilities these last four days. This leaves me to question: What kind of person will I be going back to? Is he always going to need a little vacation from me? How many times do we need to take a break to realize A) We really want to be with each other or B)This just isn't going to work?

~Erin Lester

Never walk away..

After Danny walked away from me yesterday and said he would come pick up his things when I asked where he wanted them, I thought we were done. That we had given up on each other.

I called him before leaving for work to tell him that he wouldn't be able to get his things since I would be gone. He stated he wanted to meet up after work. I told him that I would appreciate it and wanted to talk about things. He told me he would call me when I got done.

To be completely honest, I didn't think he would. I figured he'd either be drinking, smoking or sleeping. I figured he didn't want to see me. However, he called me at 10:30 p.m. on the dot. He of course wasn't in town; he was an hour away helping his friend Tony take care of something. And told me he'd see me in an hour if I still wanted to meet up with him.

Three hours later, he finally makes it back to Wall. He starts off my apologizing.. repeatedly.

I told him that it hurt that he didn't even want to talk about things. That he just walked away from me. I told him that scared me. I also told him what I need from him if he wants to make this relationship work. He needs to spend more time with me than his friends. He needs to help out around the house more, physically and financially. Of course he replied that he would work on everything, but I wondered if he was just saying that to make me happy, knowing that was what I wanted to hear. However, today after he finished work, he called me and asked if I wanted to hang out with him before I had to go to work. So he is putting in the effort to make time for me, and I love that, and I hope that never ends!

Last night he also asked me if I will ever be able to trust him. I replied by shaking my head and later saying, "I don't know." And I really don't. All I know: I definitely won't be able to anytime soon. The fact that he's willing to put up with a girlfriend that doesn't trust him and gives him a hard time because of it, blows my mind. But I'm glad he realizes that by being in a relationship, he needs to compromise some of his freedom.

I leave for California soon. Danny won't be staying at our house while we're gone. And although I'm worried to be away from him for a whole week, I think the space will do us good. I think it will bring us closer together. We will see when I get back.

For the time being, I'm glad that Danny is still in my life. I'm glad that we talked through another issue. Although Danny has frustrated me several times since we reunited, he has also surprised me again and again with his persistence to communicate and work through our differences. I hope he continues to surprise me. I hope he never gives up. I hope we can prove everyone wrong.

After our heart-to-heart, I told him, "Never walk away from me every again."

~Erin Lester

Love hurts..

"Love hurts whether it's right or wrong."

Are Danny and I meant to be together? Is he my Prince Charming? My Mr. Right? Or is he just my Mr. Right Now.

Speaking of, I have never really understood the concept of "Mr. Right Now." What happens if while you're dating Mr. Right Now, you miss out on your Mr. Right?

Anyway, this morning Danny and I got into a pretty big fight.. if you can even call it a fight. Like in the past, Danny just walked away from the situation instead of talking it through. How big was the fight? Big enough to where he said he would pick up his belongings he left at my house.

I thought things would be different this time. And to be honest, they were. I'm surprised Danny put up with me and my insecurities this long. And I'm surprised I put up with him this long again as well. Him never having any money to help around the house. Him wanting more freedom than I trusted to allow him. In the end, I know my trust issues pushed him away. But because of our past, I can't help the way I feel. He always told me that he would stick with me until the end and talk through every fight and understand why I have a hard time believing him.

Well, I think we finally gave up on each other.

One of us is apparently supposed to get ahold of the other when I get done with work tonight. I'm not sure if it's just for him to pick up his things and go or if he wants to talk to me about my feelings and work past this again.

If not, his things are packed up and ready for pick-up.

How do I feel about this? Devastated of course! I love Danny, and I don't want this to end. However, I can't keep taking care of a 23-year-old who seems to enjoy hanging out with his friends more than his girlfriend. I want us to talk through this. On the other hand, I can't be in a relationship if things keep progressing the way they have been. So here's some hypocrisy for you. Yes, I don't completely trust Danny. However, at the same time, I think it would be healthy for our relationship if we each had our own place. So whether or not we work through this, I want him to stay somewhere else. We just rushed into playing house too soon again. I don't know why I let it happen since it didn't work out so good the last time.

As much as I love Danny, I realize that we have many many problems. Maybe too many to work on. Is it better for me to love and let go than let our love get destroyed? Because lately, it feels like I'm more upset in our relationship than happy. I don't want a man to cut my life short. I want to be happy.

Don't get me wrong: Danny makes me happy.. most of the time. I love him, and I know he loves me. But how far does love go?

~Erin Lester

Everyone's famous in a small town..

Growing up in a town of only 850 people give or take, one has to find ways to entertain him or herself. Here, the options are alcoholism, drugs, drama and the main one: gossip.

Now, I know gossip exists everywhere, but I swear this tourist town takes it to a new level. In fact, some rumors are so outrageous, that the accused usually laughs at it instead of taking it personally.

If you're wondering whether I have been the punch line of one of these rumors, the answer is yes. Just recently, in fact.

Today, my co-worker came out to the front office and stated she heard gossip floating around town about me. When I asked her what on Earth anyone could possibly falsely accuse me of, she replied that some townspeople believe I'm pregnant. As much as I would love to start having babies, I know I'm not ready. Don't get me wrong, I'm ready to be a mother. I mean not ready in the fact that I'm not part of a stable relationship yet.

Therefore, to set the record straight, I am not pregnant.

I called my parents not long after hearing this idiocy to either clear my name if they had heard the rumor or warn them in case they do in the near future. Luckily, they hadn't heard anything.

To make this gossip even more hilarious, a couple days ago Andrea went to the bars and one of Dad's co-workers asked her not once, not twice, but three times if she was pregnant. When I told her, she said that maybe he was so drunk, he thought she was me hence him asking the same question several times.

You know, this gossip frustrates me but at the same time, I feel sorry for the person who started this rumor and for the people who continue to spread it. In my own opinion, the kind of people that spread this craziness must have the most boring lives that they feel the need to try to ruin someone else's life.

It's interesting to see what people come up with, but how far does one take it. My words of advice to these people: Get a life. Live it.

~Erin Lester

Love doesn't cost a thing, but life does..

We've all heard the expression, "Money can't buy happiness." Part of me believes this. At the same time, bills don't buy happiness either. Or debt. Or bad credit.

It seems that money is a big problem in most relationships. In fact, it rates as the number one problem in relationships and about 80 percent of all divorces are the result of money issues. Yes, you guessed it. It is a problem in my relationship. I have a good amount of savings, but I also have thousands of dollars of student loans to pay off as well, on top of the other monthly bills.

The bigger problem is my boyfriend. He has a great job, a career actually, but he has a hard time saving money. In his defense, he does take care of his 76-year-old alcoholic Alzheimer's father, support his two-year-old daughter and cover for his trouble-making older brother. This in turn leaves him no money to take care of himself so he borrows from his friends which only continues the viscous cycle.

This fact scares me. It makes me worry about our future, if we have one. He tells me he wants to marry me and have kids with me and support me. In fact, he wants to have a child right now. Well, news flash: it costs a lot of money taking care of a child which he should know since he's paying child support.

I believe that he wants to do all these things. However, I don't know the line between reality and ideal in this situation. Sure, he says he wants to take care of me. But is that the future that he wants? Or does he just dream of having that future? In my mind, if he really wants to support me, he'd be working a hell of a lot harder saving money.

I've made a decision, and I hope I stick with it. He gets paid again Friday. If I don't see a penny, he's going to have to find somewhere else to stay until he can help out around the house. He claims he doesn't owe anyone in town money, and when I told him that this month he would have to pay for his father and daughter, he replied he doesn't have to do that until his next paycheck. Well, I hope so. I can't keep taking care of him forever. And if we do have a child in the future, I can't take care of the three of us. I barely have enough money to secure my future.

He needs to learn, and if that is the only way, so be it. I understand the wedding vows say for richer or for poorer. Well, there's only so much I can handle. I can only provide for him for so long before I require something in return.

I need more than an, "I want to help you." I need to see him try. And eventually, I need to see him do.

~Erin Lester
Facts: Marriage Success Secrets

Look on the bright side..

Recently, the hard drive in my Macbook went bad. I took it to a company specializing in Apple, and $400 later, I have a brand new hard drive. All my documents and pictures? Gone.

The techie told me I could pay them $200 for them to perform a 50% chance, no guarantee data recovery, and if that doesn't work, I could take it to a specialist, have a higher chance but pay a couple grand. Well, I did lose most of everything I have ever written so I told them I would purchase a new hard drive but keep my old one in case I won the lottery.

Most of my poems and short stories are in hard copy form or on my old desktop, and most of my pictures are online or still on my memory cards. I don't get rid of anything. I used to think of this as a flaw. Now, I'm glad.

I'm also trying to look on the bright side. Although I had a lot of valuable documents on my late hard drive, I also had a lot of junk that for some reason I couldn't part with. Now, I have to. It's a clean slate. A new beginning. A clear head.

Person's best friend..

Yes, I know, the phrase is "man's best friend." But I'm not a man, I'm a woman. And I think the expression should be editted considering how far women have come.

Saturday, April 2, 2001, Andrea and I each bought a Yorkshire terrier. I chose the boy and named him Bosten, and she named her girl Jayla.

At first Andrea was only going to buy one, but then Mom made the stupid mistake of opening her big mouth and making a stupid suggestion. Now we have two.

The little rascals are six weeks old, teething, and as adorable as you can imagine. It's so hard to peel your eyes away from them for a second because they are so cute, and since they are so young, better you don't take your eyes off them. They like to explore.. and chew. Jayla has more teeth than Bosten. When he bites you, or should I say nibbles you, because he has old-man-with-dentures teeth.

Of course the thought of raising a puppy scares me, worries me. I bet it's good practice for becoming a parent, so I hope I do a good job with Bosten. I believe I did pretty good with Sparkie, but I was so young when we bought him, Mom and Dad did all the training. This will be a brand new experience for me.

The parents fell in love with them both. In fact, Dad wanted to steal Bosten from me. My biggest worry was introducing him to Danny, who prefers larger dogs like Rottweilers. Thankfully, he fell for him just as hard and fast as I did. Here I thought I was gaining a cuddle buddy, but my number one is now stealing my new one away! I don't mind though. I love him so much more seeing how he is with a little puppy. And if he is this great with puppies, I can only imagine how great a father he will make.

The thing I love most about dogs: No matter how bad a day your having, and how you think nothing will brighten it up, in walks your puppy. He cuddles up besides you, probably licks your hand or face. You can't help but respond and end up forgetting what you were even worrying about in the first place. They sure do know how to turn the bad times around.

Person's best friend? Darn right!

~Erin Lester

Let's talk..

In the last blog, I commented on how communication with Danny has never been better. Before we broke up for four months, whenever a problem would arise and I would want to talk to him about it, he would always get mad and state that he was too tired to talk about it, or didn't even want to.

This didn't help our relationship. In fact, it hurt it even more. Hence the breakup. Nothing ever got resolved.

Instead, it just rotted.

The fact that we have much better communication makes me feel more guilty for continuing to be hard on him. Part of me knows he needs me to be hard, but the sensitive side of me feels sorry for him and wishes I didn't have to be. I know I have a reason to be, and that is why I haven't quit. What has surprised me so much is that he continues to put up with me. He continues to talk things through. He continues to surprise me.

I only hope that we continue to communicate. That he continues to put up with me, as I do him. And that one day we won't have as many problems to work through. I only hope that soon, I can trust him, count on him financially and we can quit worrying about the serious and just have fun. Our honeymoon stage didn't last long at all. I love flirting. I love making out. I love making love. I don't want that part of our relationship to ever dissipate, because we are not an old married couple ... yet.

But that's a whole new chapter to dwell on.

~Erin Lester

Learning the hard way..

Trusting has never come easy for me. Like others, I have been betrayed, even by my closest friends, people I never thought would even think to hurt me.

With men, it's even harder. It doesn't matter how smart, how charming, how sweet. For some reason, I have a hard time letting myself truly trust a man (who isn't my dad or brothers). I have a hard time completely giving myself to a man. Which is why I think I haven't had a relationship last longer than two months, apart from my current relationship of course.

I don't know why, but Danny is the first guy I have ever tried to trust. The first guy I have tried to completely forget my inhibitions for so I can move past my two-month curse and lose myself in love.

One thing wrong with that. By losing myself in love, I put myself in pain's path. By giving someone all of me, there is a bigger chance, a higher risk of getting hurt.

I have been cheated on.

He understands the mistake he made, and he realizes the consequence is losing me. He almost lost me for good, but I believe in second chances. I believe he truly does love me. I have faith that he can be a good person. And I understand that it's harder for him considering his past life and his childhood upbringing.

He had to grow up too fast. He never had the opportunity to just be a kid. But it's time for him to grow up. It's time for him to have a good life, a secure future.

I want to give him that future. But after what he and I have already been through, I have a hard time trusting him. He understands, and he puts up with it, and we talk through it. Every time. Communication was never our strong point prior to our four-month breakup. He has definitely taken more action this round to make things work. But we still have our problems.

Will we ever get through this? Will I ever trust him again?

~Erin Lester

Just beginning..

Everyone suffers from hardships. Everyone deals with pain.

But does getting through this pain really make me stronger? Or am I still weak and just get lucky?

Most people know me as the happy-go-lucky, always-smiling Erin. Not too many people know the other side of me.. because I choose not to show it to them. Partly because I feel weak. And partly because I feel guilty. Guilty because I have a pretty great life. I have a family that cares about me, several great friends, a boyfriend. I have a roof over my head, food in the pantry, a car that gets me anywhere and nowhere, depending on if I want people to find me. I have a college degree, a steady income, a good amount of savings. I have faith, a conscious. What should I be complaining about?

Something that most people don't know is that, even with all these things, there are problems that lie beneath the surface. Sure, I have a job that I love. But I have a college degree and thousands of dollars of student loans to pay off, and I have a job that doesn't even require a college education.

I have a boyfriend, and am in love, but I still have trust issues.

I'm in the best shape since college, but I'm still not satisfied. I know I have a decent body, but I still critique myself and push myself to lose more, to look better.

I have many friends, but most of them live far away, and I only see the ones that live closeby when they're in the mood to get drunk. To me, that's not much of a friendship. What makes it worse is my boyfriend has several friends in town. Although I have family, friends and a boyfriend, I still get lonely.

Both of my best friends from high school are pregnant with their second baby, and I don't even have a stable relationship yet. Most of my other friends are either engaged, married or also with children. I'm 25 years old and not getting any younger. In one of my classes I had to make a list of things I wanted to have accomplished when I turned 25; marriage and children were among the others. I feel so far behind. I feel like a disappointment. I feel like a failure.

How do I get through it?

I believe that God wants me to be happy. He wants me to have a fulfilled life. Maybe I'm just not ready for it yet. Maybe I have to conquer more pain. Maybe my story is just beginning.

~Erin Lester