Does anything last forever?

All I want in life is to start a family, and there are people blessed with beautiful families who take that for granted and throw it all away by cheating. They don't know how lucky they are to have what they have. There are people in the world, people like me, that want exactly what they have, and it's like they don't care.

This brings me to question what the meaning of family even is anymore. Does anything last forever?

Want to know my theory? These people who want nothing more than to have affairs should be the ones stuck with the bad boys, or girls, so that the ones who actually still believe in marriage and family can get the good guys, or girls.

It's just not fair. These people have amazing life partners, and they betray them. Their spouses or significant others do not deserve that, unless of course they are the exact same way. In that case, I feel extremely terrible for the children.

Don't get me wrong, just because I am dying to start doesn't mean I'm going to rush into it with just anybody. Right now, Danny hasn't proved to me that he's mature enough to be in a committed marriage, and I would prefer not to have an absent father for my future children.

Things have gotten really rough between Danny and me. Although we have seen each other since I returned from California and have talked about things, I still don't know where either of us stands. Danny seems to want to stick together yet have much more freedom than before. I, on the other hand, don't know what I want anymore. Part of me, a big part, loves Danny to death. But the other part wants to be free from him. Free from his torture. Free from my tears.

I still believe that Danny is a great guy, and I have faith that one day he will man up and live up to his true potential. However, I also believe that God wants me to have a happy future. And lately, like I have said, I have been more miserable with Danny than happy.. not even content with our relationship. I don't want to be conceited and say that I deserve better, but I know I don't deserve to be unhappy in a dead-end relationship.

I thought this time would be different, and then I had to go to California. Don't get me wrong, I will never want to take that back. I just wish that things would have went differently while I was gone.

Danny hasn't been working at all since I left South Dakota. Instead, he has been sleeping, drinking and smoking. Not the future husband I want.

As for our future, even present future, I have no idea where our path leads. However, right now I'm leaning towards being single. The thing that worries me is that a month down the road, he will try to win me back and I will eventually take him back again.

That's one thing I hate about this town: there isn't much options for a future if you haven't found "the one" yet. So what do I do? Try to work things out with Danny? Break it off with Danny and hope that someone else will come along? Move?

I wish I could find the book God wrote about me so I knew my next step. I guess that's the beauty of life: You just never know what's going to happen next.

~Erin Lester