I can't watch..

I know, it's been a long time. Partly because Computer Village installed a bad hard drive in my computer, partly because I haven't been in the best of places lately. Much has happened since my last post. I don't even know where to start.

Things have gotten harder between Danny and me. We had those two amazing nights. Next thing I know, the weekend had arrived and I had heard that not only was he hanging out with Alexis again, but he had screwed another skank just a day after he and I made love.

Yes, I should probably just be completely done with him. But I have so much care for him, and I want to be friends, that I just decided to forget about our sexual relationship and focus on our friendship. Not many people understand why I will always be there for Danny. I will never lose faith that he will change and better his life for good.

I have seen him several times since then, and all has been platonic and civil actually. Of course Alexis doesn't like us talking, but there is nothing sexual between us.

There was one night where he and Andrea got into a verbal fight about how he screwed up again. This upset me because I told Andrea not to say anything because Danny and I were good. Everything was fine between us. I apologized to him and we got to talking. He told me how his dad is pretty much on his deathbed and that he might be moving back to Wisconsin to take over his brother's job while he returns to prison. This made me cry because I know that his leaving will be the best thing for me, but the worst thing for him. I told him that even though he and I cannot be together, I don't want him to sell himself or his life short. I still want him to have an amazing future like I think he should.

In my eyes, this was our closure. This was our goodbye. I told him that I still love him, and we kissed several times. Somehow Alexis found out and decided to come to my house looking for him.

Danny called me the next morning saying he wished he was laying in bed with me so I told him that he should be glad he wasn't with me last night since Alexis stopped by. He was shocked and pissed. He asked me to come hang out, and we went for breakfast. He asked me to stay with him and Chaz to watch a movie, but Chaz had to drop some friends off somewhere, so for awhile it was just me and Danny. He cuddled up to me, and started kissing me, and eventually started foreplay. I stopped him, and he apologized. I had had the courage to tell him that we could still have a sexual relationship if it weren't for the other girls he'd been comforting himself with since we broke up. This overly upset him, so much that he slammed the door on me.

I left, hoping he would cool off. Which he did the next night. He called and apologized for being an asshole. He asked me to call him back later, but he was busy when I did and when he called me, I was already in bed.

The next time I saw him was a night to remember.. for several people.

Downtown. Several people. Stupid drunk.

Drama. Drama. Drama.

I didn't let it affect my night though. I kept drinking. I kept dancing. I kept smiling.

The next day, I wake up to a phone call that will ruin my whole day. Chaz's phone registered on my caller ID. I thought it might be Danny. Nope. It was Chaz. Danny is in jail. He busted out some windows at Alexis' apartment and something of Jimmy's as well, and supposedly he tried choking Alexis.

And this stupid girl thinks I'm going to fight her for Danny? She thinks I want that kind of relationship, that kind of future? She can have him. She's one of the reasons he's getting into trouble, but in the end, it's always Danny's decision. He chose to go back to her. He chose to go to the bar and get wasted. He chose to vandalize her stuff. Danny is in jail because of Danny.

I should be so disgusted by him. Instead, I'm upset with him. Upset that he is throwing his life away. Even though he and I aren't together, he should still be working at securing a good future. Because he still has one good girl in his life. His daughter Natilea.

~Erin Lester

Let's keep it casual..

Danny and I have seen each other a few more times since I've been back and texted quite a bit, but nothing has been serious. The two times he has come over (and stayed) was merely sexual. I know that probably sounds bad. But I would rather be casually sexual with one man than with many. The second time I told him that I don't want anything serious with him. And I didn't say, "right now," or anything. I gave that statement no time limit. He understood.

I was worried that would make things more awkward. Or that it would piss him off to the point where we wouldn't talk for days. However, he texted me his recording of the second part of his song the next day. And to my surprise even more, the day after that he and Chaz were driving around. They saw me walking towards my house and stopped to talk and see the pups. He gave me a hug when they went to leave and brushed my hands. It was subtle, but it sent a surge of electricity through my body and made me miss his touch.

Several people were worried when they heard I was still talking and hanging out with him. Some don't believe that I can keep it friendly and not want anything more. However, I think I'm doing good and I think it's working for us. Tonight the Cactus hosts karaoke night so I'm assuming I will see him downtown tonight.

~Erin Lester

Let's try this part differently..

Danny and I haven't seen each other in a couple days. He tried calling me once while I was at work, and then I made the mistake (or was it?) of texting him when I got home drunk from the bars. He didn't text me back until the next afternoon wondering why I haven't answered his calls. We continued to text throughout the night. He told me that he misses me and I him so I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie today. We will see if he does. But if he doesn't get ahold of me, I'm not going to text him or make a big deal of it. I'm really going to try to keep it casual.

What's different is that last time I broke up with him, I wouldn't talk to him at all for the first couple months. This time, I'm going to try talking to him and hanging out with him but keeping it platonic. Not sure if that will make things easier or harder. I know he and I aren't ready to be in a relationship together, but I still want us to be friends because we do love each other.

I want to show people that things didn't end catastrophically this time. That he didn't do anything to hurt me; he just wasn't willing to completely commit to me. He still wanted some freedom. Many people are extremely happy that he and I aren't together, but I'm not. I love him and I miss him and I wish things would have worked out this time because of how much I love him. He's just not ready yet, and he doesn't have to be. He's only 23 years old. On the other hand, I'm ready. I'm 25 and I want to start a family soon. I can't wait forever for someone. But if when he's ready, I'm still single, I will think about things again. Thing is, this time I need to know for sure that he's ready. That he won't relapse again.

~Erin Lester

It's time to be free..

Dear you,

It's time to be free. It's time to be me.

I'm free from your laziness. Free from your immaturity. Free from my insecurities.

I've wasted too much time and tears on you. Now it's time for me to move on, completely. I hope my friends and family lock me up if I try to take you back again.

Three strikes and you're out. Next batter up! And hopefully, he can hit a home run instead of foul balls.

I know God wants a happy future and marriage for me. I know he wants happiness for me. And so do I. I deserve a guy that can treat me to a dinner other than Dairy Queen and Subway. I deserve a guy that will cook for me more than once every four months. I deserve a guy that can't keep away from me, that puts me first in his life instead of bros, smoking and drinking. I deserve a guy that wouldn't even think about cheating on me. That feels remorse when he hurts or upsets me. That doesn't disappoint me. I deserve a guy that has a great job and is dedicated to it.

I still believe you are a great guy, and I hope that you learn to live up to that potential. I have faith in you, and I still wish the best for you and your future. I'm just not part of it. I wanted to be, but you wanted to be free. And now you are. And so am I. So let me move on.

Love,
Me.

Does anything last forever?

All I want in life is to start a family, and there are people blessed with beautiful families who take that for granted and throw it all away by cheating. They don't know how lucky they are to have what they have. There are people in the world, people like me, that want exactly what they have, and it's like they don't care.

This brings me to question what the meaning of family even is anymore. Does anything last forever?

Want to know my theory? These people who want nothing more than to have affairs should be the ones stuck with the bad boys, or girls, so that the ones who actually still believe in marriage and family can get the good guys, or girls.

It's just not fair. These people have amazing life partners, and they betray them. Their spouses or significant others do not deserve that, unless of course they are the exact same way. In that case, I feel extremely terrible for the children.

Don't get me wrong, just because I am dying to start doesn't mean I'm going to rush into it with just anybody. Right now, Danny hasn't proved to me that he's mature enough to be in a committed marriage, and I would prefer not to have an absent father for my future children.

Things have gotten really rough between Danny and me. Although we have seen each other since I returned from California and have talked about things, I still don't know where either of us stands. Danny seems to want to stick together yet have much more freedom than before. I, on the other hand, don't know what I want anymore. Part of me, a big part, loves Danny to death. But the other part wants to be free from him. Free from his torture. Free from my tears.

I still believe that Danny is a great guy, and I have faith that one day he will man up and live up to his true potential. However, I also believe that God wants me to have a happy future. And lately, like I have said, I have been more miserable with Danny than happy.. not even content with our relationship. I don't want to be conceited and say that I deserve better, but I know I don't deserve to be unhappy in a dead-end relationship.

I thought this time would be different, and then I had to go to California. Don't get me wrong, I will never want to take that back. I just wish that things would have went differently while I was gone.

Danny hasn't been working at all since I left South Dakota. Instead, he has been sleeping, drinking and smoking. Not the future husband I want.

As for our future, even present future, I have no idea where our path leads. However, right now I'm leaning towards being single. The thing that worries me is that a month down the road, he will try to win me back and I will eventually take him back again.

That's one thing I hate about this town: there isn't much options for a future if you haven't found "the one" yet. So what do I do? Try to work things out with Danny? Break it off with Danny and hope that someone else will come along? Move?

I wish I could find the book God wrote about me so I knew my next step. I guess that's the beauty of life: You just never know what's going to happen next.

~Erin Lester

Ready for take off..

Andrea and I have been in California for five days now, and we are ready to get back home. We are surprisingly using the weekend to relax and get ready for our flight. We packed enough fun and touring during the week that we are fine with just hot tubbing and relaxing for now.

Danny has been texting more. I think he finally realized how upset I am and how ready I am to give up. Although we have been talking, I explained to him that I still don't know what I want when I get back home. Whether I want to work things out or move on. Right now, I want both.

My heart: I love him.
My mind: He needs to grow up a lot if he wants to stay with me.

When I get back, I am going to let him come over to see Bosten and me, but I'm not going to let him stay over. I just want to talk to him at this point, explain to him what I need in order for this relationship to continue. If he can't handle it, than we both will know that it's time for us to just call it quits and try to salvage as much friendship as we can.

He needs to figure out what he wants in life. Does he want to be single and have all the freedom in the world and no one to answer to? No responsibilities? Or does he want a meaningful relationship with a great woman that will treat him good.

Most people just want me to be done with him. Mainly because they only see the person he was, the person who sometimes reappears for a few days sporadically. Getting to know him, hanging out with him and living with him, I know the kind of guy he truly is. The guy he can be completely if he chooses to do so and if he has a good reason to do so. Not to be conceited and pardon my French, but I think I'm a damn good reason!

All in all, I'm very excited to get home. Mainly to get back to work and to see my little Bosten again. I miss him more than Danny surprisingly! It will definitely be nice to get back. And I'm nervous to see what ends up happening with Danny.

Wish me luck!

~Erin Lester

On a vacation..

Andrea and I left for our California vacation on Monday. We will be here for a whole week. She and I both need a vacation, and I'm so excited to go, but I'm worried how this will affect my relationship with Danny. This will be the longest we have been away from each other since we got back together in January.

It will either make or break us.

So far.. it's breaking us.

He texts me every now and then and has called me. However, it just seems like he doesn't care that I'm gone. I have been the one that ends up calling him so lately I have just not been contacting him at all. That's when all the texts started coming.

Now, more than before, it seems like he actually misses me. However, he told me today that he hasn't worked at all since I'm gone because he has been staying with a friend out in the country. That doesn't make the money issues better.

He promises things will be different when I get back. That makes it sound like he's on vacation right now too.. from me, from work. He has had no responsibilities these last four days. This leaves me to question: What kind of person will I be going back to? Is he always going to need a little vacation from me? How many times do we need to take a break to realize A) We really want to be with each other or B)This just isn't going to work?

~Erin Lester