Dear you,
It's time to be free. It's time to be me.
I'm free from your laziness. Free from your immaturity. Free from my insecurities.
I've wasted too much time and tears on you. Now it's time for me to move on, completely. I hope my friends and family lock me up if I try to take you back again.
Three strikes and you're out. Next batter up! And hopefully, he can hit a home run instead of foul balls.
I know God wants a happy future and marriage for me. I know he wants happiness for me. And so do I. I deserve a guy that can treat me to a dinner other than Dairy Queen and Subway. I deserve a guy that will cook for me more than once every four months. I deserve a guy that can't keep away from me, that puts me first in his life instead of bros, smoking and drinking. I deserve a guy that wouldn't even think about cheating on me. That feels remorse when he hurts or upsets me. That doesn't disappoint me. I deserve a guy that has a great job and is dedicated to it.
I still believe you are a great guy, and I hope that you learn to live up to that potential. I have faith in you, and I still wish the best for you and your future. I'm just not part of it. I wanted to be, but you wanted to be free. And now you are. And so am I. So let me move on.
Love,
Me.
Life isn't always easy. And when it's hard, you can't run away.. you can't hide. You need someone to hold your hand. Let Him.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Does anything last forever?
All I want in life is to start a family, and there are people blessed with beautiful families who take that for granted and throw it all away by cheating. They don't know how lucky they are to have what they have. There are people in the world, people like me, that want exactly what they have, and it's like they don't care.
This brings me to question what the meaning of family even is anymore. Does anything last forever?
Want to know my theory? These people who want nothing more than to have affairs should be the ones stuck with the bad boys, or girls, so that the ones who actually still believe in marriage and family can get the good guys, or girls.
It's just not fair. These people have amazing life partners, and they betray them. Their spouses or significant others do not deserve that, unless of course they are the exact same way. In that case, I feel extremely terrible for the children.
Don't get me wrong, just because I am dying to start doesn't mean I'm going to rush into it with just anybody. Right now, Danny hasn't proved to me that he's mature enough to be in a committed marriage, and I would prefer not to have an absent father for my future children.
Things have gotten really rough between Danny and me. Although we have seen each other since I returned from California and have talked about things, I still don't know where either of us stands. Danny seems to want to stick together yet have much more freedom than before. I, on the other hand, don't know what I want anymore. Part of me, a big part, loves Danny to death. But the other part wants to be free from him. Free from his torture. Free from my tears.
I still believe that Danny is a great guy, and I have faith that one day he will man up and live up to his true potential. However, I also believe that God wants me to have a happy future. And lately, like I have said, I have been more miserable with Danny than happy.. not even content with our relationship. I don't want to be conceited and say that I deserve better, but I know I don't deserve to be unhappy in a dead-end relationship.
I thought this time would be different, and then I had to go to California. Don't get me wrong, I will never want to take that back. I just wish that things would have went differently while I was gone.
Danny hasn't been working at all since I left South Dakota. Instead, he has been sleeping, drinking and smoking. Not the future husband I want.
As for our future, even present future, I have no idea where our path leads. However, right now I'm leaning towards being single. The thing that worries me is that a month down the road, he will try to win me back and I will eventually take him back again.
That's one thing I hate about this town: there isn't much options for a future if you haven't found "the one" yet. So what do I do? Try to work things out with Danny? Break it off with Danny and hope that someone else will come along? Move?
I wish I could find the book God wrote about me so I knew my next step. I guess that's the beauty of life: You just never know what's going to happen next.
~Erin Lester
This brings me to question what the meaning of family even is anymore. Does anything last forever?
Want to know my theory? These people who want nothing more than to have affairs should be the ones stuck with the bad boys, or girls, so that the ones who actually still believe in marriage and family can get the good guys, or girls.
It's just not fair. These people have amazing life partners, and they betray them. Their spouses or significant others do not deserve that, unless of course they are the exact same way. In that case, I feel extremely terrible for the children.
Don't get me wrong, just because I am dying to start doesn't mean I'm going to rush into it with just anybody. Right now, Danny hasn't proved to me that he's mature enough to be in a committed marriage, and I would prefer not to have an absent father for my future children.
Things have gotten really rough between Danny and me. Although we have seen each other since I returned from California and have talked about things, I still don't know where either of us stands. Danny seems to want to stick together yet have much more freedom than before. I, on the other hand, don't know what I want anymore. Part of me, a big part, loves Danny to death. But the other part wants to be free from him. Free from his torture. Free from my tears.
I still believe that Danny is a great guy, and I have faith that one day he will man up and live up to his true potential. However, I also believe that God wants me to have a happy future. And lately, like I have said, I have been more miserable with Danny than happy.. not even content with our relationship. I don't want to be conceited and say that I deserve better, but I know I don't deserve to be unhappy in a dead-end relationship.
I thought this time would be different, and then I had to go to California. Don't get me wrong, I will never want to take that back. I just wish that things would have went differently while I was gone.
Danny hasn't been working at all since I left South Dakota. Instead, he has been sleeping, drinking and smoking. Not the future husband I want.
As for our future, even present future, I have no idea where our path leads. However, right now I'm leaning towards being single. The thing that worries me is that a month down the road, he will try to win me back and I will eventually take him back again.
That's one thing I hate about this town: there isn't much options for a future if you haven't found "the one" yet. So what do I do? Try to work things out with Danny? Break it off with Danny and hope that someone else will come along? Move?
I wish I could find the book God wrote about me so I knew my next step. I guess that's the beauty of life: You just never know what's going to happen next.
~Erin Lester
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Ready for take off..
Andrea and I have been in California for five days now, and we are ready to get back home. We are surprisingly using the weekend to relax and get ready for our flight. We packed enough fun and touring during the week that we are fine with just hot tubbing and relaxing for now.
Danny has been texting more. I think he finally realized how upset I am and how ready I am to give up. Although we have been talking, I explained to him that I still don't know what I want when I get back home. Whether I want to work things out or move on. Right now, I want both.
My heart: I love him.
My mind: He needs to grow up a lot if he wants to stay with me.
When I get back, I am going to let him come over to see Bosten and me, but I'm not going to let him stay over. I just want to talk to him at this point, explain to him what I need in order for this relationship to continue. If he can't handle it, than we both will know that it's time for us to just call it quits and try to salvage as much friendship as we can.
He needs to figure out what he wants in life. Does he want to be single and have all the freedom in the world and no one to answer to? No responsibilities? Or does he want a meaningful relationship with a great woman that will treat him good.
Most people just want me to be done with him. Mainly because they only see the person he was, the person who sometimes reappears for a few days sporadically. Getting to know him, hanging out with him and living with him, I know the kind of guy he truly is. The guy he can be completely if he chooses to do so and if he has a good reason to do so. Not to be conceited and pardon my French, but I think I'm a damn good reason!
All in all, I'm very excited to get home. Mainly to get back to work and to see my little Bosten again. I miss him more than Danny surprisingly! It will definitely be nice to get back. And I'm nervous to see what ends up happening with Danny.
Wish me luck!
~Erin Lester
Danny has been texting more. I think he finally realized how upset I am and how ready I am to give up. Although we have been talking, I explained to him that I still don't know what I want when I get back home. Whether I want to work things out or move on. Right now, I want both.
My heart: I love him.
My mind: He needs to grow up a lot if he wants to stay with me.
When I get back, I am going to let him come over to see Bosten and me, but I'm not going to let him stay over. I just want to talk to him at this point, explain to him what I need in order for this relationship to continue. If he can't handle it, than we both will know that it's time for us to just call it quits and try to salvage as much friendship as we can.
He needs to figure out what he wants in life. Does he want to be single and have all the freedom in the world and no one to answer to? No responsibilities? Or does he want a meaningful relationship with a great woman that will treat him good.
Most people just want me to be done with him. Mainly because they only see the person he was, the person who sometimes reappears for a few days sporadically. Getting to know him, hanging out with him and living with him, I know the kind of guy he truly is. The guy he can be completely if he chooses to do so and if he has a good reason to do so. Not to be conceited and pardon my French, but I think I'm a damn good reason!
All in all, I'm very excited to get home. Mainly to get back to work and to see my little Bosten again. I miss him more than Danny surprisingly! It will definitely be nice to get back. And I'm nervous to see what ends up happening with Danny.
Wish me luck!
~Erin Lester
Thursday, April 21, 2011
On a vacation..
Andrea and I left for our California vacation on Monday. We will be here for a whole week. She and I both need a vacation, and I'm so excited to go, but I'm worried how this will affect my relationship with Danny. This will be the longest we have been away from each other since we got back together in January.
It will either make or break us.
So far.. it's breaking us.
He texts me every now and then and has called me. However, it just seems like he doesn't care that I'm gone. I have been the one that ends up calling him so lately I have just not been contacting him at all. That's when all the texts started coming.
Now, more than before, it seems like he actually misses me. However, he told me today that he hasn't worked at all since I'm gone because he has been staying with a friend out in the country. That doesn't make the money issues better.
He promises things will be different when I get back. That makes it sound like he's on vacation right now too.. from me, from work. He has had no responsibilities these last four days. This leaves me to question: What kind of person will I be going back to? Is he always going to need a little vacation from me? How many times do we need to take a break to realize A) We really want to be with each other or B)This just isn't going to work?
~Erin Lester
It will either make or break us.
So far.. it's breaking us.
He texts me every now and then and has called me. However, it just seems like he doesn't care that I'm gone. I have been the one that ends up calling him so lately I have just not been contacting him at all. That's when all the texts started coming.
Now, more than before, it seems like he actually misses me. However, he told me today that he hasn't worked at all since I'm gone because he has been staying with a friend out in the country. That doesn't make the money issues better.
He promises things will be different when I get back. That makes it sound like he's on vacation right now too.. from me, from work. He has had no responsibilities these last four days. This leaves me to question: What kind of person will I be going back to? Is he always going to need a little vacation from me? How many times do we need to take a break to realize A) We really want to be with each other or B)This just isn't going to work?
~Erin Lester
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Never walk away..

I called him before leaving for work to tell him that he wouldn't be able to get his things since I would be gone. He stated he wanted to meet up after work. I told him that I would appreciate it and wanted to talk about things. He told me he would call me when I got done.
To be completely honest, I didn't think he would. I figured he'd either be drinking, smoking or sleeping. I figured he didn't want to see me. However, he called me at 10:30 p.m. on the dot. He of course wasn't in town; he was an hour away helping his friend Tony take care of something. And told me he'd see me in an hour if I still wanted to meet up with him.
Three hours later, he finally makes it back to Wall. He starts off my apologizing.. repeatedly.
I told him that it hurt that he didn't even want to talk about things. That he just walked away from me. I told him that scared me. I also told him what I need from him if he wants to make this relationship work. He needs to spend more time with me than his friends. He needs to help out around the house more, physically and financially. Of course he replied that he would work on everything, but I wondered if he was just saying that to make me happy, knowing that was what I wanted to hear. However, today after he finished work, he called me and asked if I wanted to hang out with him before I had to go to work. So he is putting in the effort to make time for me, and I love that, and I hope that never ends!
Last night he also asked me if I will ever be able to trust him. I replied by shaking my head and later saying, "I don't know." And I really don't. All I know: I definitely won't be able to anytime soon. The fact that he's willing to put up with a girlfriend that doesn't trust him and gives him a hard time because of it, blows my mind. But I'm glad he realizes that by being in a relationship, he needs to compromise some of his freedom.
I leave for California soon. Danny won't be staying at our house while we're gone. And although I'm worried to be away from him for a whole week, I think the space will do us good. I think it will bring us closer together. We will see when I get back.
For the time being, I'm glad that Danny is still in my life. I'm glad that we talked through another issue. Although Danny has frustrated me several times since we reunited, he has also surprised me again and again with his persistence to communicate and work through our differences. I hope he continues to surprise me. I hope he never gives up. I hope we can prove everyone wrong.
After our heart-to-heart, I told him, "Never walk away from me every again."
~Erin Lester
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Love hurts..
"Love hurts whether it's right or wrong."
Are Danny and I meant to be together? Is he my Prince Charming? My Mr. Right? Or is he just my Mr. Right Now.
Speaking of, I have never really understood the concept of "Mr. Right Now." What happens if while you're dating Mr. Right Now, you miss out on your Mr. Right?
Anyway, this morning Danny and I got into a pretty big fight.. if you can even call it a fight. Like in the past, Danny just walked away from the situation instead of talking it through. How big was the fight? Big enough to where he said he would pick up his belongings he left at my house.
I thought things would be different this time. And to be honest, they were. I'm surprised Danny put up with me and my insecurities this long. And I'm surprised I put up with him this long again as well. Him never having any money to help around the house. Him wanting more freedom than I trusted to allow him. In the end, I know my trust issues pushed him away. But because of our past, I can't help the way I feel. He always told me that he would stick with me until the end and talk through every fight and understand why I have a hard time believing him.
Well, I think we finally gave up on each other.
One of us is apparently supposed to get ahold of the other when I get done with work tonight. I'm not sure if it's just for him to pick up his things and go or if he wants to talk to me about my feelings and work past this again.
If not, his things are packed up and ready for pick-up.
How do I feel about this? Devastated of course! I love Danny, and I don't want this to end. However, I can't keep taking care of a 23-year-old who seems to enjoy hanging out with his friends more than his girlfriend. I want us to talk through this. On the other hand, I can't be in a relationship if things keep progressing the way they have been. So here's some hypocrisy for you. Yes, I don't completely trust Danny. However, at the same time, I think it would be healthy for our relationship if we each had our own place. So whether or not we work through this, I want him to stay somewhere else. We just rushed into playing house too soon again. I don't know why I let it happen since it didn't work out so good the last time.
As much as I love Danny, I realize that we have many many problems. Maybe too many to work on. Is it better for me to love and let go than let our love get destroyed? Because lately, it feels like I'm more upset in our relationship than happy. I don't want a man to cut my life short. I want to be happy.
Don't get me wrong: Danny makes me happy.. most of the time. I love him, and I know he loves me. But how far does love go?
~Erin Lester
Are Danny and I meant to be together? Is he my Prince Charming? My Mr. Right? Or is he just my Mr. Right Now.
Speaking of, I have never really understood the concept of "Mr. Right Now." What happens if while you're dating Mr. Right Now, you miss out on your Mr. Right?
Anyway, this morning Danny and I got into a pretty big fight.. if you can even call it a fight. Like in the past, Danny just walked away from the situation instead of talking it through. How big was the fight? Big enough to where he said he would pick up his belongings he left at my house.
I thought things would be different this time. And to be honest, they were. I'm surprised Danny put up with me and my insecurities this long. And I'm surprised I put up with him this long again as well. Him never having any money to help around the house. Him wanting more freedom than I trusted to allow him. In the end, I know my trust issues pushed him away. But because of our past, I can't help the way I feel. He always told me that he would stick with me until the end and talk through every fight and understand why I have a hard time believing him.
Well, I think we finally gave up on each other.
One of us is apparently supposed to get ahold of the other when I get done with work tonight. I'm not sure if it's just for him to pick up his things and go or if he wants to talk to me about my feelings and work past this again.
If not, his things are packed up and ready for pick-up.
How do I feel about this? Devastated of course! I love Danny, and I don't want this to end. However, I can't keep taking care of a 23-year-old who seems to enjoy hanging out with his friends more than his girlfriend. I want us to talk through this. On the other hand, I can't be in a relationship if things keep progressing the way they have been. So here's some hypocrisy for you. Yes, I don't completely trust Danny. However, at the same time, I think it would be healthy for our relationship if we each had our own place. So whether or not we work through this, I want him to stay somewhere else. We just rushed into playing house too soon again. I don't know why I let it happen since it didn't work out so good the last time.
As much as I love Danny, I realize that we have many many problems. Maybe too many to work on. Is it better for me to love and let go than let our love get destroyed? Because lately, it feels like I'm more upset in our relationship than happy. I don't want a man to cut my life short. I want to be happy.
Don't get me wrong: Danny makes me happy.. most of the time. I love him, and I know he loves me. But how far does love go?
~Erin Lester
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Everyone's famous in a small town..

Now, I know gossip exists everywhere, but I swear this tourist town takes it to a new level. In fact, some rumors are so outrageous, that the accused usually laughs at it instead of taking it personally.
If you're wondering whether I have been the punch line of one of these rumors, the answer is yes. Just recently, in fact.
Today, my co-worker came out to the front office and stated she heard gossip floating around town about me. When I asked her what on Earth anyone could possibly falsely accuse me of, she replied that some townspeople believe I'm pregnant. As much as I would love to start having babies, I know I'm not ready. Don't get me wrong, I'm ready to be a mother. I mean not ready in the fact that I'm not part of a stable relationship yet.
Therefore, to set the record straight, I am not pregnant.
I called my parents not long after hearing this idiocy to either clear my name if they had heard the rumor or warn them in case they do in the near future. Luckily, they hadn't heard anything.
To make this gossip even more hilarious, a couple days ago Andrea went to the bars and one of Dad's co-workers asked her not once, not twice, but three times if she was pregnant. When I told her, she said that maybe he was so drunk, he thought she was me hence him asking the same question several times.
You know, this gossip frustrates me but at the same time, I feel sorry for the person who started this rumor and for the people who continue to spread it. In my own opinion, the kind of people that spread this craziness must have the most boring lives that they feel the need to try to ruin someone else's life.
It's interesting to see what people come up with, but how far does one take it. My words of advice to these people: Get a life. Live it.
~Erin Lester
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Love doesn't cost a thing, but life does..
We've all heard the expression, "Money can't buy happiness." Part of me believes this. At the same time, bills don't buy happiness either. Or debt. Or bad credit.
It seems that money is a big problem in most relationships. In fact, it rates as the number one problem in relationships and about 80 percent of all divorces are the result of money issues. Yes, you guessed it. It is a problem in my relationship. I have a good amount of savings, but I also have thousands of dollars of student loans to pay off as well, on top of the other monthly bills.
The bigger problem is my boyfriend. He has a great job, a career actually, but he has a hard time saving money. In his defense, he does take care of his 76-year-old alcoholic Alzheimer's father, support his two-year-old daughter and cover for his trouble-making older brother. This in turn leaves him no money to take care of himself so he borrows from his friends which only continues the viscous cycle.
This fact scares me. It makes me worry about our future, if we have one. He tells me he wants to marry me and have kids with me and support me. In fact, he wants to have a child right now. Well, news flash: it costs a lot of money taking care of a child which he should know since he's paying child support.
I believe that he wants to do all these things. However, I don't know the line between reality and ideal in this situation. Sure, he says he wants to take care of me. But is that the future that he wants? Or does he just dream of having that future? In my mind, if he really wants to support me, he'd be working a hell of a lot harder saving money.
I've made a decision, and I hope I stick with it. He gets paid again Friday. If I don't see a penny, he's going to have to find somewhere else to stay until he can help out around the house. He claims he doesn't owe anyone in town money, and when I told him that this month he would have to pay for his father and daughter, he replied he doesn't have to do that until his next paycheck. Well, I hope so. I can't keep taking care of him forever. And if we do have a child in the future, I can't take care of the three of us. I barely have enough money to secure my future.
He needs to learn, and if that is the only way, so be it. I understand the wedding vows say for richer or for poorer. Well, there's only so much I can handle. I can only provide for him for so long before I require something in return.
I need more than an, "I want to help you." I need to see him try. And eventually, I need to see him do.
~Erin Lester
Facts: Marriage Success Secrets
It seems that money is a big problem in most relationships. In fact, it rates as the number one problem in relationships and about 80 percent of all divorces are the result of money issues. Yes, you guessed it. It is a problem in my relationship. I have a good amount of savings, but I also have thousands of dollars of student loans to pay off as well, on top of the other monthly bills.
The bigger problem is my boyfriend. He has a great job, a career actually, but he has a hard time saving money. In his defense, he does take care of his 76-year-old alcoholic Alzheimer's father, support his two-year-old daughter and cover for his trouble-making older brother. This in turn leaves him no money to take care of himself so he borrows from his friends which only continues the viscous cycle.
This fact scares me. It makes me worry about our future, if we have one. He tells me he wants to marry me and have kids with me and support me. In fact, he wants to have a child right now. Well, news flash: it costs a lot of money taking care of a child which he should know since he's paying child support.
I believe that he wants to do all these things. However, I don't know the line between reality and ideal in this situation. Sure, he says he wants to take care of me. But is that the future that he wants? Or does he just dream of having that future? In my mind, if he really wants to support me, he'd be working a hell of a lot harder saving money.
I've made a decision, and I hope I stick with it. He gets paid again Friday. If I don't see a penny, he's going to have to find somewhere else to stay until he can help out around the house. He claims he doesn't owe anyone in town money, and when I told him that this month he would have to pay for his father and daughter, he replied he doesn't have to do that until his next paycheck. Well, I hope so. I can't keep taking care of him forever. And if we do have a child in the future, I can't take care of the three of us. I barely have enough money to secure my future.
He needs to learn, and if that is the only way, so be it. I understand the wedding vows say for richer or for poorer. Well, there's only so much I can handle. I can only provide for him for so long before I require something in return.
I need more than an, "I want to help you." I need to see him try. And eventually, I need to see him do.
~Erin Lester
Facts: Marriage Success Secrets
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Look on the bright side..
Recently, the hard drive in my Macbook went bad. I took it to a company specializing in Apple, and $400 later, I have a brand new hard drive. All my documents and pictures? Gone.
The techie told me I could pay them $200 for them to perform a 50% chance, no guarantee data recovery, and if that doesn't work, I could take it to a specialist, have a higher chance but pay a couple grand. Well, I did lose most of everything I have ever written so I told them I would purchase a new hard drive but keep my old one in case I won the lottery.
Most of my poems and short stories are in hard copy form or on my old desktop, and most of my pictures are online or still on my memory cards. I don't get rid of anything. I used to think of this as a flaw. Now, I'm glad.
I'm also trying to look on the bright side. Although I had a lot of valuable documents on my late hard drive, I also had a lot of junk that for some reason I couldn't part with. Now, I have to. It's a clean slate. A new beginning. A clear head.
The techie told me I could pay them $200 for them to perform a 50% chance, no guarantee data recovery, and if that doesn't work, I could take it to a specialist, have a higher chance but pay a couple grand. Well, I did lose most of everything I have ever written so I told them I would purchase a new hard drive but keep my old one in case I won the lottery.
Most of my poems and short stories are in hard copy form or on my old desktop, and most of my pictures are online or still on my memory cards. I don't get rid of anything. I used to think of this as a flaw. Now, I'm glad.
I'm also trying to look on the bright side. Although I had a lot of valuable documents on my late hard drive, I also had a lot of junk that for some reason I couldn't part with. Now, I have to. It's a clean slate. A new beginning. A clear head.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Person's best friend..

Saturday, April 2, 2001, Andrea and I each bought a Yorkshire terrier. I chose the boy and named him Bosten, and she named her girl Jayla.
At first Andrea was only going to buy one, but then Mom made the stupid mistake of opening her big mouth and making a stupid suggestion. Now we have two.
The little rascals are six weeks old, teething, and as adorable as you can imagine. It's so hard to peel your eyes away from them for a second because they are so cute, and since they are so young, better you don't take your eyes off them. They like to explore.. and chew. Jayla has more teeth than Bosten. When he bites you, or should I say nibbles you, because he has old-man-with-dentures teeth.
Of course the thought of raising a puppy scares me, worries me. I bet it's good practice for becoming a parent, so I hope I do a good job with Bosten. I believe I did pretty good with Sparkie, but I was so young when we bought him, Mom and Dad did all the training. This will be a brand new experience for me.

The thing I love most about dogs: No matter how bad a day your having, and how you think nothing will brighten it up, in walks your puppy. He cuddles up besides you, probably licks your hand or face. You can't help but respond and end up forgetting what you were even worrying about in the first place. They sure do know how to turn the bad times around.
Person's best friend? Darn right!
~Erin Lester
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