I can't watch..

I know, it's been a long time. Partly because Computer Village installed a bad hard drive in my computer, partly because I haven't been in the best of places lately. Much has happened since my last post. I don't even know where to start.

Things have gotten harder between Danny and me. We had those two amazing nights. Next thing I know, the weekend had arrived and I had heard that not only was he hanging out with Alexis again, but he had screwed another skank just a day after he and I made love.

Yes, I should probably just be completely done with him. But I have so much care for him, and I want to be friends, that I just decided to forget about our sexual relationship and focus on our friendship. Not many people understand why I will always be there for Danny. I will never lose faith that he will change and better his life for good.

I have seen him several times since then, and all has been platonic and civil actually. Of course Alexis doesn't like us talking, but there is nothing sexual between us.

There was one night where he and Andrea got into a verbal fight about how he screwed up again. This upset me because I told Andrea not to say anything because Danny and I were good. Everything was fine between us. I apologized to him and we got to talking. He told me how his dad is pretty much on his deathbed and that he might be moving back to Wisconsin to take over his brother's job while he returns to prison. This made me cry because I know that his leaving will be the best thing for me, but the worst thing for him. I told him that even though he and I cannot be together, I don't want him to sell himself or his life short. I still want him to have an amazing future like I think he should.

In my eyes, this was our closure. This was our goodbye. I told him that I still love him, and we kissed several times. Somehow Alexis found out and decided to come to my house looking for him.

Danny called me the next morning saying he wished he was laying in bed with me so I told him that he should be glad he wasn't with me last night since Alexis stopped by. He was shocked and pissed. He asked me to come hang out, and we went for breakfast. He asked me to stay with him and Chaz to watch a movie, but Chaz had to drop some friends off somewhere, so for awhile it was just me and Danny. He cuddled up to me, and started kissing me, and eventually started foreplay. I stopped him, and he apologized. I had had the courage to tell him that we could still have a sexual relationship if it weren't for the other girls he'd been comforting himself with since we broke up. This overly upset him, so much that he slammed the door on me.

I left, hoping he would cool off. Which he did the next night. He called and apologized for being an asshole. He asked me to call him back later, but he was busy when I did and when he called me, I was already in bed.

The next time I saw him was a night to remember.. for several people.

Downtown. Several people. Stupid drunk.

Drama. Drama. Drama.

I didn't let it affect my night though. I kept drinking. I kept dancing. I kept smiling.

The next day, I wake up to a phone call that will ruin my whole day. Chaz's phone registered on my caller ID. I thought it might be Danny. Nope. It was Chaz. Danny is in jail. He busted out some windows at Alexis' apartment and something of Jimmy's as well, and supposedly he tried choking Alexis.

And this stupid girl thinks I'm going to fight her for Danny? She thinks I want that kind of relationship, that kind of future? She can have him. She's one of the reasons he's getting into trouble, but in the end, it's always Danny's decision. He chose to go back to her. He chose to go to the bar and get wasted. He chose to vandalize her stuff. Danny is in jail because of Danny.

I should be so disgusted by him. Instead, I'm upset with him. Upset that he is throwing his life away. Even though he and I aren't together, he should still be working at securing a good future. Because he still has one good girl in his life. His daughter Natilea.

~Erin Lester

Let's keep it casual..

Danny and I have seen each other a few more times since I've been back and texted quite a bit, but nothing has been serious. The two times he has come over (and stayed) was merely sexual. I know that probably sounds bad. But I would rather be casually sexual with one man than with many. The second time I told him that I don't want anything serious with him. And I didn't say, "right now," or anything. I gave that statement no time limit. He understood.

I was worried that would make things more awkward. Or that it would piss him off to the point where we wouldn't talk for days. However, he texted me his recording of the second part of his song the next day. And to my surprise even more, the day after that he and Chaz were driving around. They saw me walking towards my house and stopped to talk and see the pups. He gave me a hug when they went to leave and brushed my hands. It was subtle, but it sent a surge of electricity through my body and made me miss his touch.

Several people were worried when they heard I was still talking and hanging out with him. Some don't believe that I can keep it friendly and not want anything more. However, I think I'm doing good and I think it's working for us. Tonight the Cactus hosts karaoke night so I'm assuming I will see him downtown tonight.

~Erin Lester

Let's try this part differently..

Danny and I haven't seen each other in a couple days. He tried calling me once while I was at work, and then I made the mistake (or was it?) of texting him when I got home drunk from the bars. He didn't text me back until the next afternoon wondering why I haven't answered his calls. We continued to text throughout the night. He told me that he misses me and I him so I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie today. We will see if he does. But if he doesn't get ahold of me, I'm not going to text him or make a big deal of it. I'm really going to try to keep it casual.

What's different is that last time I broke up with him, I wouldn't talk to him at all for the first couple months. This time, I'm going to try talking to him and hanging out with him but keeping it platonic. Not sure if that will make things easier or harder. I know he and I aren't ready to be in a relationship together, but I still want us to be friends because we do love each other.

I want to show people that things didn't end catastrophically this time. That he didn't do anything to hurt me; he just wasn't willing to completely commit to me. He still wanted some freedom. Many people are extremely happy that he and I aren't together, but I'm not. I love him and I miss him and I wish things would have worked out this time because of how much I love him. He's just not ready yet, and he doesn't have to be. He's only 23 years old. On the other hand, I'm ready. I'm 25 and I want to start a family soon. I can't wait forever for someone. But if when he's ready, I'm still single, I will think about things again. Thing is, this time I need to know for sure that he's ready. That he won't relapse again.

~Erin Lester