Let's talk..

In the last blog, I commented on how communication with Danny has never been better. Before we broke up for four months, whenever a problem would arise and I would want to talk to him about it, he would always get mad and state that he was too tired to talk about it, or didn't even want to.

This didn't help our relationship. In fact, it hurt it even more. Hence the breakup. Nothing ever got resolved.

Instead, it just rotted.

The fact that we have much better communication makes me feel more guilty for continuing to be hard on him. Part of me knows he needs me to be hard, but the sensitive side of me feels sorry for him and wishes I didn't have to be. I know I have a reason to be, and that is why I haven't quit. What has surprised me so much is that he continues to put up with me. He continues to talk things through. He continues to surprise me.

I only hope that we continue to communicate. That he continues to put up with me, as I do him. And that one day we won't have as many problems to work through. I only hope that soon, I can trust him, count on him financially and we can quit worrying about the serious and just have fun. Our honeymoon stage didn't last long at all. I love flirting. I love making out. I love making love. I don't want that part of our relationship to ever dissipate, because we are not an old married couple ... yet.

But that's a whole new chapter to dwell on.

~Erin Lester

Learning the hard way..

Trusting has never come easy for me. Like others, I have been betrayed, even by my closest friends, people I never thought would even think to hurt me.

With men, it's even harder. It doesn't matter how smart, how charming, how sweet. For some reason, I have a hard time letting myself truly trust a man (who isn't my dad or brothers). I have a hard time completely giving myself to a man. Which is why I think I haven't had a relationship last longer than two months, apart from my current relationship of course.

I don't know why, but Danny is the first guy I have ever tried to trust. The first guy I have tried to completely forget my inhibitions for so I can move past my two-month curse and lose myself in love.

One thing wrong with that. By losing myself in love, I put myself in pain's path. By giving someone all of me, there is a bigger chance, a higher risk of getting hurt.

I have been cheated on.

He understands the mistake he made, and he realizes the consequence is losing me. He almost lost me for good, but I believe in second chances. I believe he truly does love me. I have faith that he can be a good person. And I understand that it's harder for him considering his past life and his childhood upbringing.

He had to grow up too fast. He never had the opportunity to just be a kid. But it's time for him to grow up. It's time for him to have a good life, a secure future.

I want to give him that future. But after what he and I have already been through, I have a hard time trusting him. He understands, and he puts up with it, and we talk through it. Every time. Communication was never our strong point prior to our four-month breakup. He has definitely taken more action this round to make things work. But we still have our problems.

Will we ever get through this? Will I ever trust him again?

~Erin Lester

Just beginning..

Everyone suffers from hardships. Everyone deals with pain.

But does getting through this pain really make me stronger? Or am I still weak and just get lucky?

Most people know me as the happy-go-lucky, always-smiling Erin. Not too many people know the other side of me.. because I choose not to show it to them. Partly because I feel weak. And partly because I feel guilty. Guilty because I have a pretty great life. I have a family that cares about me, several great friends, a boyfriend. I have a roof over my head, food in the pantry, a car that gets me anywhere and nowhere, depending on if I want people to find me. I have a college degree, a steady income, a good amount of savings. I have faith, a conscious. What should I be complaining about?

Something that most people don't know is that, even with all these things, there are problems that lie beneath the surface. Sure, I have a job that I love. But I have a college degree and thousands of dollars of student loans to pay off, and I have a job that doesn't even require a college education.

I have a boyfriend, and am in love, but I still have trust issues.

I'm in the best shape since college, but I'm still not satisfied. I know I have a decent body, but I still critique myself and push myself to lose more, to look better.

I have many friends, but most of them live far away, and I only see the ones that live closeby when they're in the mood to get drunk. To me, that's not much of a friendship. What makes it worse is my boyfriend has several friends in town. Although I have family, friends and a boyfriend, I still get lonely.

Both of my best friends from high school are pregnant with their second baby, and I don't even have a stable relationship yet. Most of my other friends are either engaged, married or also with children. I'm 25 years old and not getting any younger. In one of my classes I had to make a list of things I wanted to have accomplished when I turned 25; marriage and children were among the others. I feel so far behind. I feel like a disappointment. I feel like a failure.

How do I get through it?

I believe that God wants me to be happy. He wants me to have a fulfilled life. Maybe I'm just not ready for it yet. Maybe I have to conquer more pain. Maybe my story is just beginning.

~Erin Lester